I've learned that I don't want to learn much more about myself. The more I'm prodded the more I expel the truths, or at least partial truths, about who I am. When asked a question, I give the truth to the best of my knowledge.
This one time, our family's dog was hit by a school bus. My dad was so upset that he took one of his guns and shot our pet rabbits, killed the chickens, let all of my mom's song birds out of their cages, and dumped my goldfish off the back porch of the mobile home. I was only three but I remember the horrors well. I remember seeing my poor defenseless goldfish flopping in the grass as my sister and mother pulled me inside to get us as far away from that mad man called, dad.
It's no wonder I'm intimidated by men (specifically men I am attracted to or who may be attracted to me). It's the kind of intimidation that set's my walls of insecurity sky high any time one of them is near. I tense and adjust my posture to a straight back and tall neck full of defense, little or no eye contact, and very few words. I let out a long sigh once I or they have left my far outstretching bubble.
When I first met Brian he was moping to a chair in the corner of the classroom during open lab. He's very attractive. But I'm not attracted to depression so I didn't have any qualms in talking with him at the time. I took my seat, which was nearby, and asked him how he was doing. He gave me some vague answer saying that he was hanging in there. I like to get to the nitty gritty of life though, so I said, what's your story? What's life been like for you? He scoffed and gave an answer that mildly resembled the belief that I couldn't handle it. I asked again and he gave me a very brief synopsis. I wasn't satisfied with his brush off answer so I told my story. Then I tried to give him some pep talks and make him laugh throughout the rest of the lab session.
We've gotten along from that day and have become good conversationalists for each other. But a shift has happened where he has become much more bright spirited and I more down heartened. The day I met him was a very good day for me. I was feeling hopeful and enjoying life as it was at the moment. Now that the tables have turned and I am the depressed one, Brian takes almost an obligation to trying to make me feel better. He tries to make me laugh and tells me really stupid jokes just to get me to smile a little bit. He asks me over and over what's on my mind until I relinquish to his pestering and just answer him honestly and fully. I've been holding back from my normal all-out truth and story telling self though, and he's noticed it.
As a youth, while my parents were still married, my dad would beat my mom. He has never been a drinker, in fact I'm sure he has some sort of mantra about alcohol being of the devil. No, he wasn't an alcoholic, he was a ticking time bomb. If my mom said something that didn't sound right by his standards my mom would get emotionally abused, threatened, or beaten; but more so a combination of all three. If one of us kids didn't behave the way he wanted us to behave or if we didn't respond with the answer he wanted, we got spankings with a spoon or a belt on bare bottom. That was pretty much the extent of the physical abuse for us kids but the mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse has been much more long standing. All of this from a God fearing man. I don't blame God though. To put it very mildly, my dad made the wrong choices.
Now that Brian is on the brighter side, I can't help but be attracted to him. The last time we spoke it took forty five minutes for me to finally answer the normal and intentional question, how are you? I avoided it like the plague. I was nervous this might happen, that I would become attracted to him but I wouldn't have a way to escape.
At the same time that I realized my attraction for him he began asking questions that myself nor lady friends had ever asked me. Questions about relationships and what I'm scared of. Am I scared of men? Am I intimidated by him? I panicked inside and shifted in my seat. My neck stiffened as my breathing became shallow and my eyes scanned everywhere but Brian's face. I looked for the answers inside myself. I was at least trying. Soon, flashbacks of my dad, my childhood, the hurt caused by my own father, my distrust for men caused by my dad, and the new to me realization that I was petrified. Absolutely terrified of men. Terrified that I might fall into that same abuse that my mother endured. Frightened by the mistrusting of my own judgment. Fearful that I will never have a love because of my walls of protective insecurity. It took me several moments to speak to him what I had just concluded. There was a pause and the air thickened for me. I sat in dismay as I leaned into the new information. Information I feel I should have already known. This new realization was scary in it's own right and the disappointing notion that I still have so much internal work to do was a daunting thought as well. However, the biggest scare of them all was that I had just shared this deep and inner mystery with someone who I would normally shy away from altogether, a man...that I like.
It is far too much work learning about ones self. However, as much as I would like to avoid the process, I cannot. I would still find new information about myself and others even if I were to never speak to another soul for the rest of my life.
