Last night I traveled to my sisters house some ten miles away. I took the MAX, a city train line that branches throughout Portland. While I sat there and looked out the window I couldn't help but notice the full moon reflecting the sun's radiant light into our night sky. That kind of moon lets me see my shadow when I walk down a usually pitch black street. I'll acknowledge my shadow but then steer my complete attention to that bright sphere that fills the dark sky with a glowing indigo hue. It always takes a few seconds to focus past the bright light and onto it's scared surface. It's worth the momentary blindness to catch a glimpse of the moon's past and present though.
Nothing much happened on the way over. I just kept stealing glances at the moon when I had the chance and went into deep thought about it.
I think of Seth every time I see it floating there, the way it has for millennia save for the occasional crater additions. I think about my sister brother-in-law and my arrival back to Indiana just a couple days after Seth's passing. We pulled into the driveway of our childhood home, my heart sank. I hadn't been home for over a year and a half. Those were the worst of terms for my return. My mom dad and older brother came out to greet us and we grouped together and sobbed. I cried and looked at the half moon as we all embraced. That memory leaves a bitter taste in my mouth and an ache in my side.
I had good thoughts too, though. When I looked at the moon last night my mind wandered and I imagined all the people in the world who look at the moon and think of their loved ones. The ones that have passed, the ones that are still here, and the ones that are yet to grace us with their existence. All the people of the world who look at it's surface and dream of one day touching it for themselves. The people that are reminded of God's presence and existence whether they love Him or not. Looking at the moon automatically stirs deep thought and wonder within. Or, at least it should. Many a poem and song have been doled out over the immeasurable years of human existence. We can all relate to the power of it interconnecting us from such distances. We can be on the other side of the planet in a totally different landscape with completely opposite cultures surrounding us but we still have the moon to share. We can relate that it's good to behold. Almost all of us can say we've looked at the moon and dreamed our best friend was doing the same on that cold winter night a few states away or our loving mother was at that very moment glancing up at it just as you were. In those moments the distance between you closes just a little bit and you take a deep breath as your imagination vividly hugs you with nearly the warmth of your most favorite person.
Some memories and some reminders can bring very bad feelings emotionally and even physically. But it doesn't always have to be that way. And as far as the moon goes, I still really like it. I will still feel sad when I see it but I choose to continue looking at it and admiring it's beauty. I choose to add new memories and to constantly reevaluate the way I see my surroundings. There's almost nothing worse than getting stuck in ones own stubborn way of seeing things, doing, and experiencing things. It's paralyzing.
On the note of reevaluation, I am continually learning new things about myself life and God. It seems, however, that the more I learn the less I really know. Or the more I learn the more I find out I don't know anything at all. I'd heard this said before but it had a whole new ring to it when I finally realized that lack of knowledge for myself. This is true in all walks of the knowledge search, but really what I'm most dumbfounded by is what I thought I knew about God. Who I thought He was and is and will be.
My world has been turned upside down and I'm digging for answers, truth, air, and the foundation of my belief in God. Seemingly, I do this in vain and bitterly alone. But the thing is, I know I am not alone in my turmoil. Because I know, for one, that there are so many people who are facing these same troubling water's and asking the same questions and feeling the same despair. Secondly and most importantly, we are not abandoned as children of God, even in our doubt, fear, anger, and mistrust of Him. God's still there carrying us when we think we're all alone. He's been there the whole time. And even though we don't understand His reasons or timing for all things we can rely on the truth of His steadfast presence, Love, and His ultimate plan being worth all our sacrifices.
This is relatable to cabbage and it's layers. Because just as a cabbage is layered, so too are the truths of God's goodness. Each passing layer reveals a brighter more clean and delicate view into its heart. Opening up and allowing yourself to draw nearer to God, to ask questions, and to search for truth and His tangible love is a process. A process of peeling away the thicker more uncertain layers of who you thought He was and is and eventually reaching the core, God's heart. You will see it's beating. You will see who it beats for and why. You will see that it pumps for us. This is something I desire to attain to and reach. To attain to that kind of perseverance and dedication and to close the gap between me and my creator. Though I may never experience and see Him in that kind of light during my lifetime, I am going to try nonetheless.
All this from a few glances at the moon.
With much kindness,
Sar'
