ASS out of U and ME.

I know I stated in my very first post that I would try not to ever use profanity, however in these given circumstances I was forced to reassess this rule for very obvious and necessary reasons...just this once, in this blog.


Lately, (over the period of my entire life) I've noticed that I tend to heavily assume things that get me into trouble (mostly financially) and then cause me a great deal of grief. The below examples cover the last two years of school only...

One study as referenced from my life, gives an epic example of why one should not assume this or that about such big details.

Winter of 2011, I registered for a couple classes. Nothing wrong there. I was put on a waiting list for the classes I wanted. This is also fine, after all they let you know if you've been taken off the waiting list and added to the class...great. Time went on...I hadn't heard anything from anyone at the school. I worked, hiked and biked, and did my thing. Near the beginning of summer two thousand twelve, I received a letter in the mail from the school I had been planning to attend the term before. I began opening it, thinking it to be just some boring newsletter, read the first couple lines and stopped breathing while I read;


Dear Sarah Bachtel,

This is a notice that you have an outstanding bill of $XXX for the term of blah blah blah. If you do not pay us all the moneys by five-ish days past the receipt of this letter, chunky late fees will be added. Frown face, frown face, frown face. 

Sincerely,
I'm Just Doing My Job


So obviously that's not exactly what it said, but you get the idea. I was being charged for a class that I had originally signed up for, however had never attended. How could this have happened?

Through the grueling (to me) process of sending e-mails, making phone calls, and going into the school offices (over the period of five months) I learned how this had happened and what the process would be to potentially fix it.

...Lot's of explanation about hardship, misunderstanding of the system, and begging for mercy was smashed into a carefully written e-mail and then sent to the powers that be. Through many months of waiting and emailing, I eventually received "in store credit" as reimbursement for the class. What a headache.

So, how did this all go awry?

As stated above, I gave an explanation of hardship, misunderstanding, and begging. The word misunderstand actually masks the truth that I assumed all school details would be sent to my personal e-mail...when in reality, come to find out, all school messages are sent to my very own and very separate school email. I'm still pissed about this detail be honest with you.

But wait! There's more!

I had finally gotten all that crummy stuff ironed out and had even taken and completed a class in it's place when I went onto the school site to then find yet another issue. I was looking for my grade for the "in store credit" class. It was an "A". Sweet....buuuut, where'd that "F" come from?

Again, I had assumed, naturally, (I'll give myself credit for this one) that my foul grade would drop along with the fees as well. Well, my assumption was correct because that's what should have happened. However, it obviously hadn't happened.

Another process began. This however, didn't take nearly as long as the first portion. THANK GOD! The end result, letter grade "W" for Withdraw. More like, Whatever!

I'll admit my fault in not paying closer attention to details and assuming things rather than checking it's viability. And in so admitting, the ass was made out of me. However, that letter grade portion of defect I deem to be the schools fault...which also makes them an ass. Ha ha.

So, finally in the clear. It only took six months to get all that bleh worked out. I could do it again if I had to but please don't make me.


...Speaking of...


So, summer term of 2013 rolls around and I've signed up for two classes, a painting course and an Intro to Literature (Fiction) course. I'm feeling a lot more confident in how the stupid school system works now, based on my past learning experiences of course. Everything works smoothly. I get the required materials, have financial aid ready and I'm even eager to learn.

First week of painting is going great, it's going to be a good term. This blurb isn't about the painting class though, it's about the fiction course which I was also expecting to go well.

The first day, the professor went over the syllabus and what our reading materials would be. One, we would largely be reading from a textbook of short stories and two, we would later in the term read Frankenstein. In normal circumstances, when a plethora of tragedies and great losses hadn't occurred, I would generally be okay with reading Frankenstein and possibly questionable short stories. I was worried though, these were devastating times. I spoke with the prof about my concerns and reasoning behind my concerns and she assured me there were redeeming aspects to the book and that the short stories were really "neat".

I took her word for it for the first day and read the assigned homework which was "average" to "very little" on the scale of morbidness. The second day of class went well and the reading materials assigned were rather numerous. I held off reading them till the end of the week. When I did start reading them I found them to be excessively morbid and dark. I tried reading all the material but I kept feeling sick and horribly saddened by the grotesque scenes. I made it through three and a half of the short stories before realizing that I would not pass this class if I tried to continue.

So, on Sunday at the beginning of the second week I went online and canceled enrollment in the Fiction course. I felt so relieved.

On Monday, I went to speak with an adviser about signing up for a different class. While going over the options for a new class, it was discovered that I had not "dropped" the Fiction class but instead "withdrew" from it. I had missed the deadline by less than a day. And for those who don't know the difference between the two terms, "dropped" means you can get some or all of your money back from a class you wont be taking without any grade marks. A "withdraw" means you have to pay for the class in full and you have a "W" in your reports. I don't know if the "W" really means anything in the end however, having to fork out money for a class you aren't taking is a really tough pill to swallow.

So, I fought that pill. With my full arsenal. I had legitimate tears rolling down my devastated face. I wrote my eloquent explanation and again pleaded for mercy. I got advice from the Assistant Dean on what to say to powers that be (she was flippin helpful and encouraging by the way). Then I waited a response. The Assistant Dean called me with a response from the powers that be (not the Dean, some other area of control, can't remember what it's called). She informed me that my petition had been denied on the basis that leniency had already been given to me for nearly the same circumstances. Fairly true.

I did have a good excuse though and these were different circumstances and I was barely a day late damn it!

But alas, I was forced to submit to that damn pill and thence proceeded with giving them my fork full of all the moneys.


I was wrong in this situation too. However, I felt as though I had been wronged by the school based on my reasoning for withdraw from the class.

So, in this moment, and since I have the power of judgement, I'll again say we (the school and I) are both asses.

I don't really know what to do with that determination except share a quote from Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing. So here goes;

Dogberry to Master Leonato: "And Master, sir, do not forget to specify, when time and place shall assert, that I am an ass."


Enjoy your day friends. :)



Sincerely,
Sarah

I Wish I Knew

I'm sitting here contemplating my lethargic state of mind, body, and spirit. I have an opened bottle of wine next to me but no glass. Every once in a while I'll take a drink to see if it's still good. It is as it was five minutes ago.

The options of what discontent me shuffle through the assembly line of possible culprits. Maybe, I'm just depressed or it could be an allergy to milk. Maybe I just don't get enough exercise or I don't take the right supplements. Maybe it's all that sugar I tend to crave, always. Whatever it is, it looms constantly ever holding me back.

The problem lies in the looming aspect of this ever apathetic presence. That is all I can call it and all I know to describe it by. A cloud, of the negative sort, that keeps me from "life to the fullest".

This is not to say that I reside in my room locked away from my house mates and the world as much as I possibly can. On the contrary, I do my best to socialize with them and even more so I am eager to leave the house for adventures. I go on hikes and motorcycle rides with friends and attend random events that sometimes I don't even want to go to. But more often than not, I am glad I do those things. I am at the very least, contented with knowing that I do try.

Even after a successful excursion or a breath taking hike or even making new friends, I end up feeling...

...empty,

...just empty.

Discontented, unsatisfied, and rarely present.

I feel closer to the answer than I ever have before, but still I writhe in a constant struggle to make each day work for me.

I wish I knew the answer.


I would like to tell you that I put the cork back on the bottle however, I guess "they" were too cheap for corks...the cap now dons the nearly full bottle.



Sincerely,
Sarah

Keeping Up

I'm not good at keeping up with things in general. I don't keep up with the latest and greatest electronics, I don't even have a TV.  I don't keep up with my chores, there's always a "good" reason (like coming up with a different and "more important" project to do instead). I'm not one to go above and beyond to put a workout together either, more "good" excuses. I don't keep up with my art projects, unless I'm taking a class (even then I just do the bare minimum). But, don't get me wrong, I do finish things, it just takes me a really long time to get them started and then some more time to keep it going...I'm very creative with my methods of avoidance.

I make myself sick sometimes.

It frustrates me that I know my working habits but don't utilize them to the fullest. I don't like corporate anything, but I wish I would "Just Do It" like stupid corporate Nike says. I know I'm a procrastinator but I also know that I get things done (once they're started). There it is again, why can't I "Just Do It"? What is it inside me that keeps me from keeping up with things? Fear of failure? I should be used to failure by now. Lack of satisfaction with any and all tasks? I think we're getting somewhere now...though it doesn't comfort me.

The fact is, I'm typing out this blog right now in order to neglect a different project all together. I'm not really excited about finishing it. I will, but I don't want to, so I'm dragging my feet so to speak. I sat down to try and process my reasoning behind my lack of interest:

It just so happens that the project I'm "working" on is an oil painting for a class. I'm copying someone else's landscape scene that has a variety of cool colors and soft brush strokes. It was assigned in order for us to practice color matching, proportioning, and technique. It's a nice composition and pleasant to look at. That being said though, something about the project makes me want to hurl. Maybe it's because I feel I'm above the project (I struggle with a big head sometimes, just being honest for humility's sake) or it could be that I hate the idea of copying someone else's craft. It might also be that I've never worked with oils before and that the strategic process of color layout is too daunting so I just slap the appropriate colors down as I see fit and this method gets me into tight spots sometimes (and by "tight spots", I mean it looks bad, at least to my standards). It may also be that I'm completely unsatisfied with my lack of instruction in class (even if it is community college, I expect world class education dang it!)


Hmm. Well, now you and I know why I don't even want to look at that painting project let alone work on it. I'm not being taught well enough, I'm plagiarizing, I'm indifferent about oils, and also, somehow, I still feel above the project. What gives?! Am I stuck up or what?!

Well, I better start painting...or doing laundry or cleaning my room or making dinner. You know how it goes.