Beginnings from an End

Very recently I lost my dear little brother to a bitter tragedy. I have found no long lasting comfort and the pit of lonesome emptiness will probably always follow me to some sad degree. But in the mean time I have realized that I need to get some thoughts out, feelings, and some stories too. They need to be put into someones ear or read, but really I just need to trick myself into believing that I have been "heard" so my brain can let go of all the things that I regurgitate to myself on a daily basis.

This blog is meant as a way for me to "talk" to someone. Here's what I mean by that; I've learned recently that I can't simply figure things (questions, problems, random situations) out in my mind and be okay with them. I tend to just spiral into more confusion within my own thoughts. I literally have to talk out loud to someone and "vent" my problems in order to find clarity. This means I have to do a lot of jabbering on to some unlucky person about my day to day and life struggles in order to find some peace and revelation. I say 'unlucky' because I don't want to be annoying, offensive, or the person who only talks about ones self. I struggle with thinking I'm inconveniencing those I speak to, be it my mom, my closest friends, or a strangers. I try to keep what I say short and concise in order to keep from stepping over those boundaries. But then of course I don't get out all that I really need to get out.

So, I'm hoping this blog will serve me in that fashion. As a way to process some of my thoughts and concerns of life without "inconveniencing" anyone. (Though I'm sure most would say that I'm not a burden, I find it hard not to feel that way). I also hope to find some freedom and order for the mess that I can create in my mind. I plan on venting some in a curse free way, hopefully. My grammar is less than perfect and I'm sure I'll misspell some things, just so you know not to expect perfection. I plan to share stories and adventures that I had in the past with my brother/family and maybe some stories of times to come. He wouldn't want me to stop living the life I have been just because he's not here anymore. So I'm going to live a good life when I'm up for it and talk about the good times back then, when I'm down.

As an end to this post, I'll tell you about some of the time I shared with Seth in high school:
2006 was Seth's Freshman year and my Junior. I was really excited to show him around, give him little tips on time management, and how to manage being there in general. I was honored that he actually wanted my help and looked up to me (he always felt like an older brother to me). We became much closer since we were in school together and since we'd matured a bit more. We rode the bus together every morning and when we arrived at school we would go to each other's lockers and wait for the other to gathered necessary books before heading off to the cafeteria or a hall that was a little more quiet than the rest. We'd sit against the wall and just hang out until our classes started. We'd say our goodbyes and often wouldn't see each other until I got back home around 6pm from swim practice. By that time he was already done with homework and relaxing. So jealous.
It was relieving to share the bus ride to school with Seth and I felt bad for him having to ride back by himself. The bus rides were always longer than they should have been and always sickeningly loud. Full of screaming kids with the radio blaring pop songs with lyrics that shouldn't be uttered. But none of that mattered when I had my brother there with me to complain about it all. None of the crappy things of life mattered when he was around.
After I graduated, he got a white Pontiac Grand Prix. I was really glad for him because I knew he wouldn't have to ride that stank bus anymore, plus he could get almost another hour of sleep before going to school. I felt good about that too.

Seth, you know I'm going to keep plugging away at life. You know I'm going to try and make you proud. But you also know that my mind is in Indiana, my stomach is in Oregon, and my feet aimlessly walk the bottom of the ocean. I don't really know if they will ever reassemble but I hope for it someday. I guess there's only one way to go about living now, just one step at a time one day one moment. That's how it's always been though, it's just more clear now, more of a mandatory way of living now.
You are my sparkle and always will be. Now you are a sparkle in the distance, like the stars I cannot reach. But you still give light, and hope and beauty. Even in passing you are still here...in my heart, in Jesse's,  Shoshies, Ma's, Pa's, Dad's, and everybody. Our love for you will never cease and every passing day you are and will be remembered. And as long as we live we will yearn for the glorious day we meet you again for a joyous reunion at heaven's gates. I love you Seth. I love you.

Sincerely,
Sar'