Blubbering Manatee

I'm sitting here, in my friends studio, just killing time and wishing I had someone to hang out with. I've checked all my e-mails, finished catching up on Facebook stuff, and been putzing around the internet for way too long now. I work the night shift, so on my "days" off I'm up all night. I don't mind it really but there are a few problems: for instance, I have to have enough foresight to prepare or purchase food before I'm quarantined to my room so as not to wake up my roommates at all hours of the night. I can't just pick up the phone to chat with my friends or family at any ol' time, and I certainly can't go and visit with them or go hang out at a coffee shop. And then there's the planning of what I'm going to do all night. There isn't a whole lot to do. So it is mandatory, or at least that's what I thought, to be productive with all the things that I would normally put on the back burner for the sake of day time activities. However, it is not so, I've reached a new level of procrastination. I thought it impossible, yet here I sit typing out my struggles with procrastinating. I forgive myself, but I still have the underlying problem weighing on me like a blubbering manatee.

Firstly, when I got my night shift job I was, and still am, very grateful for the opportunity. Secondly, I thought about how productive I could be on my days off and dreamt of all the art work I'd get done, all the reading, and writing. At first I did do some art and I've even done some reading and writing. However, within a few short weeks I've reverted back to my old way of tackling the subliminal "to-do list". I start at the bottom, the non-necessary or least important things to do and then I slowly work to the top. However, midway up the list more things tack onto the bottom and my attention sways to those tasks instead and on it goes. At this point I might hear from others and even myself "Well, just do it, get it done". I couldn't agree more, and really, I'm probably the most responsible and reliable procrastinator you will ever know. Most things that affect others lives I do with ample time to spare and even add little flourishes. It's rare that I let others down by holding off on what needs to be done for them. However, when it comes to me and my own goals, needs, and desires...well I put myself last. So really I'm at the top of my subliminal list but I ignore myself till the very last moment. (That is brand new information to myself folks. I guess this blog venting is working)

So now that I've realized my fault, the fault of not doing a good job of taking care of myself, I need to figure out what all I have at the top of my list.

One thing I know for sure is that I really want to work on and finish, with all the perfection I've got in me, a painting I started at the beginning of December in honor of my younger brother. I have quite a lot done and yet I hesitate to start up again every time I look at it. It's going to be beautiful, really, it is. But when I think about working on it my insides sink and I worry that it won't be good enough, that it won't show my true love and admiration for my brother. And I have a strange fear that once I have finished it I'll feel even more empty than I already do. I will work on it...slowly. It won't fade away. But I know it's going to take a long time to finish for those above reasons and probably other reasons I'm not aware of. At the same time though, until I finish it, that blubbering manatee will constantly be looming overhead. I might just have to give myself that visual when I think about not working on it. After all, who would want to be crushed by a blubbering manatee?

However, I need more than a weird motivation from myself to get me going. After all, since when have I been my own motivator? I will try find my motivation in the "encouraging" and annoyingly simple words of my little brother. If he were here, I would probably be bickering and complaining about all the reasons I just can't get to it and go on and on about my problems. He would wait patiently for a while until I start to reiterate my reasoning, at which point he would butt in, semi-aggravated, and say something like, "Well, why don't you just do it then and get it done?" His way of thinking and doing things was kind of the polar opposite of my way. He wanted to do something, he did it, often right away if possible. There was no waiting and pondering all the foo foo surrounding what he was after and his heart was such gold that most of what he did was really good stuff. He was and still is the straight to the point, no bull crap, disciplined, kind, loving and generous kind of brother I'm proud to be related to. So now, in his passing, I've realized just how awesome he was and still is to me. And those traits? I want them. I want to add them to my traits. It's not going to be as easy as I'd like it to be, but once I master them I'm going to put them to good use beginning with my painting and then adding them to the rest of my life so I can make my brother proud and so I can be a good person in general.


Sincerely,
Sar'