In our Father's Tent

Today, I feel so vulnerable, like...an infant. I'm stuck in this body and the world is moving and functioning around me, yet all I'm capable of is seeing, watching, and waiting for time to pass. I'm waiting for someone to come pick me up, to notice that I've been wallowing in my own excrement. I'm waiting for someone to clean me up, dust me off, and make me feel all better. But even though this is how I feel, I won't find that kind of relief. I'm not a baby, I'm an adult. I'm not sitting in literal feces, I'm swimming in my sorrows. No human can lift me up, dust me off and make it all better, it's just not possible.

In the back of my mind though, I have realized that I pretend I can find that kind of salvation from someone on earth. I feel that if I search hard enough and long enough, I'll find the answers, the peace, the joy, and someone to fill all my voids. But these feelings stem from the raging anger in my belly. The disparaging doubts that fill my head, the doubts of God's goodness...His love.

How could this all be? We prayed our guts out for Seth, our hope and faith were so big for him. We believed he'd be okay and on the other side of his horrors, with us! Not okay and on the other side his horrors with Him. How could He let this happen? He kept telling us in our prayers that "I've got him." Comforting and sickening all at once. Because on one hand, that means there's is no doubt that Seth is safe in Heaven being well cared for. It gives me a little comfort to know he's in peace with a clear and calm mind more beautiful than he could ever have imagined. Yet, on the other hand, there was no comfort in that response from God because there was no guarantee of his being made new here. It even strongly hinted at the future that we are now in, the future without Seth in our lives.

God's ways are not our ways. He is Mystery, Wonder, and Unknown. I will keep asking my questions and keep tugging at his robe for answers. But this is one instance where I simply will not be able to understand fully until I see Him face to face. At that point, I will understand His love for Seth and for us. I will see why it was so necessary for Him to have allowed Seth to be stolen from us. And in the midst of my struggles and waiting I will give God the glory because He is still worthy. I will sing praises to my maker for He's blessed me even in the worst days of my life. Believe me, I merely speak from my heart what I know to be true and what I intend my future to look like. A future with God as my King, Savior, and Abba... and a future where I will someday be reunited with my beloved brother in Heaven, in that order.

We're going to be okay, but more than okay. I don't know how that could be but I believe it anyway.

This following dream was given to me a month or two before Seth's passing. I was so scared, because I knew in my heart what it meant as soon as I woke up. It made me sick to my stomach even though it meant Seth would be in safe hands and I wouldn't have to worry about where he went. I still struggle with it but I know that others have found it to be comforting. I hope it will be comforting for me one day too.

This is the dream I shared at Seth's funeral on the 23rd of November 2012.

Creator gave me this dream a couple months ago. I hope it will bring you some peace and comfort. 
In this dream, I was in a hilly desert hiking with Seth and God. The rocks were red and yellow and there were small plants and bushes strewn about. Seth and I were the size of children next to God but we were the same age as we were when I had the dream. We were carrying large backpacks for a long journey. God was in front, Seth in the middle, and I was in the back as we hiked along in the beautiful yellow orange and red desert. It was evening with a sunset fast approaching, we needed to get to our camp before it got dark. We didn't speak as we traveled and the mood was light but somber. As we traveled Seth became too tired to carry his backpack so we stopped and God took up Seth's backpack on top of His own and we began to walk again. Soon Seth became too weary to carry himself so we stopped and God took up Seth in His arms and carried him too as we traveled. The sunset gave off beautifully vibrant warm colors of red, yellow, orange, and clean white. When we reached the camp not for from the path, God pitched two tents. I had a tent all to myself with everything I needed and God and Seth had the other tent. I could see into God's tent from my screen window. I saw Seth in bed resting and I asked God why Seth couldn't be in my tent. God replied, "I need to take care of him". I felt sad, I wanted to be near my brother but I knew he was in good hands so I just said, "alright".

Seth isn't burdened anymore. He is being well cared for and is in good hands. I miss him every day until the day arrives when I see him again. In the mean time I will trust in Abba for all that I need.

I will see him again. I will. I'm thankful for that assurance, for that peace of mind.

Sincerely,
Sar'