The Train Station

Everywhere we turned, we saw him. We entered a cafe and there he sat at a table waiting for us to join him. We drove by the river walk and there he leaned against the railing looking at the water, waiting for us to join him. We drove by a park on the way to somewhere else and I saw him walking the path and reading the information posts as he waited for our arrival. I saw him smiling at me from the train station platform that I had last seen him, before I moved. He was waiting for us. We didn't stop to have coffee with him or stand by the water's edge next to him. We didn't go to the park and read what he had just read or walk the path he had just walked. And we didn't go to the train station where his smile was so bright and inviting. We left him there in memory unable to face the reality that he wasn't really there and would no longer grace us with his beauty, laughter, or kind words.

We are now three.

Number four was stolen from us, ripped from our hands, and taken from our existence.

I got on that train a year and a half ago. Headed west from Indiana on a mini trip with my grandparents to North Dakota and used the remaining travels as my move to Oregon. I expected that trip to be my last time with my grandparents, not knowing if I'd ever see them again. I had a nice time with them and we enjoyed each others company. I didn't know that the time spent at the train station before we left was going to be the last time on this planet that I would see my little brother. That idea was never formed.

Then this past November I saw my grandparents, all of them, at my little brother's funeral. It's not supposed to be that way. I don't want any of them to die but that's still not the order. Seth had hardly even begun his journey through life. A mere child at age 21.

Had I known that a year and a half ago was going to be the last time I saw him I would have stayed through all the hard times that were ahead or pleaded for him to come with me. I would have been with him every moment, even when he wasn't himself. He could say all the untrue things he wanted to and feel as though I was lying to him about everything I told him. But I would have at least been there and he would know deep in his heart, where he remained his true self, that I love him.

But the thing is, he knew I loved him then and knows it now. And I know he loved me then and still does. He also had the kind of dedication, support, and deep love from my older brother that I would have wanted to give. He had a strong and loving shoulder to lean on amidst such dark times, some comfort and peace in the shadows. My big brother wouldn't let him go. He was there for him, in every humanly possible way, to the very end. It comforts me a little to know Seth had such a good friend with him through the hard times. But I'm so sorry that we weren't able to make him better.  That we weren't able to clean out his mind from the torment and lies. I'm sorry we couldn't break those chains within him. We were there in every way we knew how and prayed in the times we didn't, which was most of the time. And we all had hopes for him. Strong willed faithful hopes for his return. For him to return to his former self. The Seth I grew up with and drew closer to in high school. The Seth that made everything funny, that always added adventure to a dull day. The Seth that was kind, compassionate, and full of hope for the future.

The sweet Seth I spent a good hour with at the train station. The old building that housed us there was a comforting sight and the cobble stone platform warmed our souls. We sat by under a big leafy tree on the top side of an underpass that was nearby and watched the freight trains sail wistfully to their destinations. We commented on all the graffiti. Made fun of most of it but we agreed on some really nice tags too. He and I reminisced a bit and chatted about old times as we walked to the Sweet Cream Soda Shop down the way. We got some specialty sodas and walked back to the station. We enjoyed talking about the architecture and structure of the refurbished building. It's a classy building. My train was running very late. He wanted to see us off but he needed to go so we said our goodbyes and hugged more than once. I cried and Seth smiled. He was happy for me and told me he'd miss me and couldn't wait for me to come back for visits.

I was planning on coming home for Christmas. He was happy to hear it. We didn't make it. Instead I came home during Thanksgiving week. I'm thankful for the beautiful life of my brother and our time with him.

Sincerely,
Sar'